Debu-chan (debu_chan) wrote in godsfanclub,

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ROTFLARTY!!! ... Sunday, my sis took me to her church...

It was one of the funniest experiences of my life...

The reason I went: My sisters church is having some sort of contest thingie, and whoever brings the most guests wins $150.00. Of course, I wouldn't go unless my friend Simon went as well, and it's pretty easy to guilt him into things. So, he agreed to go, for Linda's sake.

Some highlights: The black preacher with the funny accent would end every sentence with "amen" and if you didn't say "amen" he'd stare and you and say in a shrill voice, "Hello?" Of course, I NEVER said "amen." :) HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? lol!!! *ahem* Simon and I were writing notes and observations back and forth... He noted that the guy sounded like a co-worker, except he wasn't sane like our co-worker... The white chubby preacher was COMPLETELY UTTERLY MAD. He was also highly amusing. His wife looked really young, and had a very 1-900-# quality to her voice. Simon observed that she had a very 1-900-# quality OVERALL.

At one point, the chubby white preacher was going on about how god takes care of xians, blah blah blah. How xians shouldn't worry, that worry is for atheists, pagans, and other non-xians... He said, "Unlike the pagans who have to chase for food and clothing, it just COMES to us Christians! God looks out for us and takes care of us." I passed a note to Simon saying, "God seems to not care at all about the HOMELESS Christians, why is that???" He also said that "practicing worry is the same as practising atheism. YOU'LL GO TO HELL!!!" At this point, I did start snickering and shaking a bit... I think the people behind me thought I was crying with shame at my "sinful" past. The preacher, on the otherhand, seemed quite putoff by my reaction. heheheh, I couldn't help it!!! First off, atheism is the absence of practising anything. I don't PRACTICE atheism. There are no rituals or sacred observations, no guidelines, just an absence of what makes religion a religion. They also sang songs about their LOVE for JESUS and how they wanted HIM to come into THEM. I also learned that you should randomly capitalize various words for JESUS. The songs all had this kinda creepy sexual undertone... Again, I didn't really participate. I was there for my sister, and for the sake of observing and making mental notations. At one point, the chubby white preacher made a comment about how pagans are all full of worry, and I wrote a note for Simon saying, "Pagan Without Worry", which my mom saw. She wasn't very happy. Bah, she is a stupid anyway... ^___^ It was just funny funny funny. Oh my goodness, and when they went passing around The God-Is-Broke-Please-Help-A-Brotha-Out plate, Simon felt obligated to put SOMETHING in there, so he threw in a dollar even though he only had ten dollars to get by on for the next two weeks. I gave him a purple nurple for that later, and scolded him for his complete inability to stand up for himself against people he doesn't care for. The boy is such a lamer, and I apparently am going to have to put more work into forcing him to not be such a follower.

However, speaking of followers... d00d, that place was so full of that type. The lonely with low self-esteem, the friendless, the sick who aren't ready to die claiming they know they'll go to heaven but cling to life like rats to a sinking ship... At the end, they invited people up to the pulpit for HEALINGS and FORGIVINGS. LMAO, oh dear, I try not to delight in such things, but these people create their own miseries, so I couldn't help but be amused! The "healing" of this one sickly lady was VERY funny. She started reaching out to the wall and talking to it, saying, "Jesus, I want to be with you. Help me find the path! I'm sorry, please make me well. I LOVE YOU!!!!" and sobbing all the while, then the chubby white preacher puts his hand on her forehead and babbles and she sways and people are throwing their hands up and shit... At this point I was completely flabbergasted that this many idiots could fit into one room, and Simon was just absolutely terrorified, which is saying a lot considering he is a borderline Xian (he'll disagree with me about that, but he is pretty well borderline. he doesn't read the bible, hardly knows anything of its contents, and he violates quite a few rules of the ten commandments. but hey! least he claims to believe in jesus!), and my mother found the behavior quite distateful. She may be a Xian, but at least she isn't the sort to confuse hearing voices with being spiritually touched by god like my paranoid schizophrenic brother. That's another interesting thing, the chubby white preacher pretty well confessed to hearing voices, and used that as proof that he talks to god. In fact, he said he argues with god, and that god always wins the arguments, then he got on his knees and covered his head because god was yelling at him. Oh dear goodness, I so wanted a taping of it all to MST3K. Anyway, we finally escaped with our lives and our sanity...

and, you would think that was the end...

We were all wrong. Simon and I went to Arby's so I could grab a bite to eat before work, and we were discussing all that had gone on that morning. He then asked me why I don't bitch about the Hindu's, and I pointed out that no Hindu has ever harassed me. In fact, only people from judeo-xian religions have ever felt a need to attempt converting me. Even if they had to get physically violent to acheive that end. Well, the woman sitting behind us overheard the phrased, "I mean, c'mon Simon, what has a Hindu ever done to you!?" and Simon admitting, "Well, nothing..." so then she hands me this silly lil card with Jesus holding up the man who nailed him to the cross and said, "I think you need to read this." then she walked away. Simon said, "Now look what you did!!!" "I think it's funny," I sputtered trying to contain my giggles. Suddenly she ran back, "I'm not passing judement on anyone, I just heard you say something in defense of Hindu's and I wanted you to know that Jesus is the ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN. Without Jesus you can't go to HEAVEN." Of course, Simon the Suckup Coward immediately starts in with his, "Oh I agree 100%, you are preaching to the choir (i think he meant queer)" at which point I had to point out that Simon was another lemming, while I'm completely objectionable. Noone knows who is right, so I'm better off just being happy being what I feel is right for me. Simon got very upset, but she left. Simon was upset because he feared she'd stick around trying to save me. I think she realized I was far too intelligent to fall prey to a round of Convert The Weak...

Anyway, you have now been updated on my fun fun interesting life. Isn't it nice, to not only run into extremists online, but also IRL? LOL!!!

To those Christians who respect all beliefs: I LOVE YOU, please don't you EVER change!!!
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